a reflection on home

Not living in a house has been a big issue for me. It makes me really sad and I cannot let the thought of it go.

I know we will get there someday, and I suppose that uncertain ‘someday’ is what makes it difficult to let go of my dream right now. I cannot help thinking about the things I am missing out on by not living in a house: the chance to birth our next baby in OUR home, the opportunity to raise our babies in a place where they can run around the backyard and have the time of their lives, the ability to spend more time cooking & baking in a kitchen that I can actually move around in, the joy of natural light streaming throughout the whole house… things like that.

I told a good friend recently that we are expecting our second child and one of the questions he asked was, “how are you going to fit another person into that small apartment?”

While my response was cool, like “we got this,” inside I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. He wasn’t aware that I have such deep feelings about our home buying process coming to a halt for the time being, so I couldn’t be upset with him. And while for the most part I have accepted that we have to stay here longer, his question triggered the deep sadness I carry within me; especially the longer I thought about his question (and our reality) and experienced many frustrations this weekend with the poor quality lighting in our apartment while trying to take quality pictures (we only have windows on one side of our apartment), and trying to bake a couple of things at one time in limited kitchen space.

I have prayed to God many times for guidance about this process and my feelings. As I have asked Him many times before about other situations, I ask the same again: “why do you give me these desires if I cannot do anything with them?” So far, I haven’t found a clear answer. But I cannot give up on Him, and I don’t think He wants me to give up on my dream of owning a home, either. And why would He? What is wrong with desiring to live slow and simply in a small home with my family?

I suppose in times like this I need to keep a couple of things in perspective: “People’s lives are far more complicated than they appear from the outside” (The Happiness Project) and most importantly, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day” (Matthew 6:34)

After all, I have my family and we have our health. God has always provided for us and continues to do so. He wants nothing more than for me to place my worries, anxieties, and burdens on Him so that he can take of what He needs to. Therefore, in regards to finding a home for our family, I will pray for patience and contentment with how things are now. I will wait with a tender heart and open eyes to witness the blessings He has in store for us.

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